During the past few months I have seen an increase in anxiety and depression in couples in therapy who have developed a habit of not communicating with each other. There are many distractions that take away from focusing on their relationship. This happens because they are busy with their jobs, commuting and fatigue when they return home. Sometimes they are focusing on their children or other responsibilities.
Some couples want to avoid conflict since they have so little time carved out together so they don’t want to discuss important feelings or thoughts and risk conflict. They distract from the present by focusing on future goals by taking college courses or business travel which takes them out of town and away from home.
Loneliness and loss can exist between couples when communication at a deep and truthful level doesn’t occur regularly. Social media distractions become an outlet for their need for connection or reconnection to those outside of their important relationship. These peripheral online relations occur with less conflict or pain because it doesn’t intimacy. These relationships provide a false intimacy and create a distraction from deep truthful communication with the one you love. I see this very often with couples who come in feeling betrayed, angry or lonely within their partnership.
Many couples are busy, and are focusing on future accumulations, putting off the present to better their future situation. This is important but not at the risk of and putting aside the importance of your moment to moment relationship with a loved one. This choice seems to be a choice in which the relationship quality is not important enough to focus on each day in an honest loving exchange.
Most people want a happy relationship and we search and hope for relationship but why? Many of us in retrospect marry for the wrong reasons and pursue our goals within the partnership, not seeing the quality of intent and communication with the loved one. We focus outside of the relationship instead of inside the moment of daily interaction.
As Eckhart Tolle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG3XIIjIw2A teaches ‘The negative side of a relationship is easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than yourself, can manifest as possessiveness, resentment, blame, the need to be right. This can lead at times to emotional demand and arguments, blame, anger , rage and sometimes violence. On the positive side being in love makes you feel alive when someone makes you feel special.
It is important to stay present in relationship with another. If you are seeking outside yourself for happiness and contentment you may become angry, resentful and or distant from your partner. When your relationship causes enough suffering it may bring you to an awareness of how much you are suffering and how lonely you are and how you want connection to your loved one and how much you want to be happy.